Normal

Things in korea have turned normal again. The normal I speak of is not of peace and security one seeks after a period of chaos and estrangement. No. It is the type of normal that one dreams as a child never to become. Where beautiful things around you are ignored and time passes unknowingly. Lethargic, plain, boring.

--- Date: April 16, 2011

- Listening to the sound of guitar at Coffee Dumm. Why am I becoming morose all of a sudden?

- Life changes quickly

So many questions, too few answers. smaller my letters, larger the intensity.

Sometimes I feel out of control. Too stuck in the box.

I am too lazy to ask. What is time? What is our mind? Do we have a soul?

I think I am more interested in ppl thses days. We all change who are we?

Sunsets always remind me of highschool, I don't know why.

For some reason, beauty renders discontent. Uneasiness, Restless soul. makes me want to move, perhaps even run. Maybe even think. Thinking is probably the hardest. Because, now, you must not only move, but create, not of this world but of our imagination.

시작이 반이지만, 나머지는 어떻가지?

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I needed my life to become ripe again, excititing as it used to be, full of newness that I had been seeking away from home. In series of attempts to motivate myself from watching random korean movies, to (trying to) waking up earlier[which did not work], I have decided to look back at the past, when I was motivated, nervous about life and things to come.

As naive as most of my journals were, I was pleasantly surprised, and quite proud I must say, of this one entry. An entry that I probably wrote at school while I was bored of some teacher blabbing on, but nonetheless it was, a message that I needed to hear now. I think I was writing to the world, and though I don't agree with some of the views of my past, it seemed like a letter or rather a scolding of my conciousness.

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Date: In grade 12,January 17, 2010

If someone were to ask me for an advice, I would answer: for the heart or for the mind? I would tell them to continue to search for the truth, to always be fervent for the truth. Never take anything for granted, never to assume anything, be satisfied with nothing, be ignorant of nothing. I would agree that ignorance is bliss, but I'd tell them that ignorance is a drug. It keeps you in your highs, and lets you escape from this reality. You are hungry without it, become desperate for it, and you crave for even a small dose. I would love to tell them to sing and smile for you can forget about anything, everything while the ecstasy fill you, but I would tell them that we don't live to be happy nor to be comfortable, we live for the truth. They would repudiate and say that knwoing the whole truth is impossible. I would agree "Yes, it is impossible" but it is the attitude and the zeal which contributes for the knowledge of humanity that matters. That no one should live to live again, but destiny or not, we must fulfill our lives with purpose! the purpose to BE. I hope that you'll never give up. Just seek and ye shall find. Why? What? and How? These are the questions of recurring. These are the questions we must answer.

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Perhaps the questions of desire are always within us. That is why we write journals, to seek answers, both then and now. Yes, it is true what they say. The answer is within us. The mirror that reflects our lives is not the mirror of the external. We may not be the progressive learners we hope to be, but as the child is the father to the man, the thoughts of yesterday may be the answers to the questions of today.

A note to self: Freedoms is not primarily choice and self-determination, but freedom is the discipling of our desire so as to make the achievement of the good first possible, and then effortless. - Father Barron-